Wonders

I was just on a facebook and checking my friends profile picture updates. I have just recently noticed something. This guy updated his profile picture and the caption underneath read "ewww". Personally, I believe that if he updated his profile picture to this, clearly he didn't think it was gross. Obviously, he just wanted people to comment and tell him he wasn't. I mean, it wasn't even a bad picture, and it looked the rest of the picture he has. I don't understand really why people do that just for attention, really. But, now he has like + 50 comments all telling him how 'hot' he is.

I don't know why, but I really just wanted to say that. Oh, the internet.

(And now just because I can, it is a picture of me, taken an hour ago. I know, I wear at lot of makeup, but that's how I like it.)

Amon Amarth "Surtur Rising"

Amon Amarth being one of my favorite bands, I had high expectations for this album. I listened to this album through about five times, trying to like it more than I knew I actually did. I waited so long for this album, and when the track "War of the Gods" came out I was pleased with what I heard, hoping that the rest of the songs would meet up to the standards of the first released track. When I heard the rest of the album I can say that I was disappointed. I am a fan of the early Amon Amarth albums and "With Odin on out Side". To me this album is going in the same direction that "Twilight of the Thunder God" did, an album which I personally didn't like much, lacking the excitement of the prior albums. There were a few tracks that did catch my attention, including "Live without Regrets" and "Destroyers of the Universe".

Overall:

(I have decided to do little reviews of the new metal albums that come out.)

Prologue: Untitled Story

It was dusk, the last rays of sunlight had finally disappeared beyond the horizon and the forest was quiet. The shade of the night had covered the landscape brilliantly making the lush terrain almost impossible to navigate. To any typical person this would be a nightmare, unwillingly losing themselves in the soundlessness of the witching hour, but to this particular group of individuals it was the key to success. Without noise the group traveled onwards, the silver of their weapons reflecting in the moonlight that streamed through the breaks in the above canopy. Somehow, everything seemed to be perfect, like nothing could ever slaughter the magic in the air. Perhaps tonight the luck of the gods would be on their side, but unfortunately none of the men held faith. Still they advanced, to them saving the last hope for their empire was more important than all of their miserable lives put together...

Continue reading here.

Always Wrong

I love my mornings; waking up and getting ready for school, alone. It is like that every morning, until my day gets up to make coffee which I greatly appreciate. This morning however, I got up and my dad followed an hour after. he made coffee and then left for work. As I was going out for a cigarette I get a phone call. My father wants me to wake my mother up to make him sandwiches because its turns out the weather was nice enough today that he could go fishing (he is a lobster fisherman).

I didn't really see any problem with this, I mean, my mom is usually really grumpy when I wake her up. And, when she does get up all she can do in complain about what I'm wearing, how my makeup is, and my hair. So, I got her up and things were going fine until she asked me my I was grumpy after she had been bugging me about the previous things I mentioned.

Then, I make a huge mistake. I told her it was because "she was awake". I totally didn't mean it that way at all. I meant that I like it when I had the kitchen (because that's where I get ready in the morning, I know, weird?) all to myself, and that I had been listening to her complain all morning. So, yes, I was a little grumpy. BUT I really didn't mean it that way.

I tried to tell her that, but instead she threw an a box of Nutri Grain bars at me, and told me that I was a disrespectful little bitch, to go to hell, etc etc. I didn't react back like I usually would, I know that I was in the wrong, but she didn't even let me explain myself. Personally I believe that she way over reacted.

Whatever. Just another fight to add to my collection.

Favorite Characters

This is just a list of my favorite characters:

(In order from left to right.)

1. Sephiroth, Final Fantasy VII

2. Hajime Saito, Hakuoki

3. Link, Legend of Zelda

4. Howl, Howl's Moving Castle

5. Genesis Rhapsodos, Final Fantasy VII Crisis Core

6. N, Pokemon Black & White

7. Kaien Cross, Vampire Knight

8. Jack Bezarius, Pandora Hearts

On another note, I love this guy.

Fading away

... that's where I'm headed. Today I decided I want nothing more to be happy. This came from fear to call my mom to pick me up from school, as I had to stay after to do homework. Isn't it sad that I'm too scared to call her, because I don't want her to be mad at me that I stayed after for an hour and she would have to drive ten minutes to get me? I actually came out and told her that, and she said she would more then happily pick me up. Yesterday I witnessed her yell at my brother because she had to pick him up from school. Interestingly enough.

The last two weeks have been hell, well actually, most of the last four years. And, even when I am at my best I can't help but think about "if I have done this instead". Now that I am beginning to get things figured out in life, I don't want to have to dwell on what already happened. I am going to have way to much stuff to worry about in the next few years, with University and moving out. I'm hoping that I can meet new people in the next few months, and have some awesome times. I don't want to forget what I have learned over the past few years, because its gotten me where I am today. Honestly, I just want to make the next few months count, even if that means I go out to party with my friends every weekend, and have to drive three hours to see my boyfriend. I want to make the best of it, before it's gone completely.

A few facts about myself:

- I want to be an archaeologist, and while I have never told anyone this, I have since I can remember. My mom shut down my dreams when she said I wasn't good enough to be one, and that she can't see it being something I would actually want to be. So, I went and applied for University (my mom hoping it would be for computer science, something I absolutely hate, but am good at) for Bachelor of Arts. I can now take archeology.

- I am a metalhead. Thrash, black, death, and folk metal are my favorites. A lot of people tell me that when they meet me they would have expect it. Which I don't really understand because I have also been told I am "completely metal". I don't want to label myself, and I don't really care what others think. Contradictions. Metal makes me happy.

- I am a dark eye makeup junkie. Rarely will you see me without it. My mom always tells me it looks horrible, but honestly I like it and think that it looks good. I am also the type of people that it always wearing jeans and black, and usually a hoodie. That is just the way I am most comfortable.

- I love Norse mythology. The gods and the tales, and everything about it really. I, myself, am an atheist. But, I just find this stuff really interesting. Ask my anything about Norse mythology and I'll guarantee that I'll know it.

That's all I can think of for now. Have a good night everyone.

Absolutely nothing

So, today I came home after my mom called me and told me to "get my ass home" even though it was only fifteen minutes after school had gotten out and there was no possible was I could even be home yet.

This morning I had forgotten my phone on my bed, so I came home at lunch to pick it up. She didn't say anything then, so I figured everything was okay. It turns out she had read through all my texts, which is nothing big because there was nothing exciting to read. But, no she knows of my plans to move it with my boyfriend, which she has decided "there is no way in hell I will ever let you do, so think again". Too bad for you mom that in a month I will be eighteen, so, what are you going to do about it then? Go ahead, try to make me more unhappy then I already am. I dare you.

Oh, she also remembers all the time stamps from my text and is now monitoring when I go to sleep. And, apparently she is mad at me for whatever conversation I was having, so about how I didn't feel good last night and had acid reflux. Good thing to be mad over. At least she didn't take my phone, again . Now I know better then to leave it at home.

I don't have any privacy, I don't know why I even bother.

Where I stand

Is in the middle of a field, looking in every direction around me, not knowing where to go next because my life is a mess. There are just too many decisions, and I don't want to make any of them, especially alone. That is the only way I can put it, I have no clue what to do. I don't know if I should be happy or sad, smile or cry. I know, I am only seventeen years old, how many problems can I have, right? Too many. This is the point in my life where I only have a month left of school, and I am a few months behind in the work I need to finish to graduate. I have already been accepted into the University of New Brunswick, which is an hour and a half boat ride away, and another two hour drive. I can honestly say that I cannot wait to leave and get away from this place. A good friend told me last week that "when you leave, you can't just leave your problems behind. You have to deal with them while you're still here, or they will follow you". I can see where she was coming from completely, but to be honest I don't give a fuck. I can't wait to leave my problems behind, and hopefully never have to come back to them. Maybe I will regret not taking her words of wisdom, but for now they are not what I need. Still, I can only thank her enough.

What are my problems exactly? Well, I live in a home that I am scared to be in ninty percent of the time. I have a crazy (most likely bipolar) mother, a father that has lost all respect for me, a grandmother that cares but doesn't know what to do, and grandparents that don't know how to deal with the situation because they partly blame themselves. Since I can remember I haven't been happy. I deal with cynical depression, and I use to be a cutter. I know, a lot of people are probably screaming 'emo' in there heads. Whatever, I don't care what you think, it worked for me, but I guess a friend on the other side of a phone call could have worked just as well. But, I never had that. None of my friends knew what to do with me, and the one friend that did was in the same situation as me, so we did all we could to help each other out. That only lasted so long, however. Then, I had a boyfriend that wanted to help me so badly, that I believe that was the only reason we were in a relationship. It went well for two and a half years, until I just couldn't meet his standards anymore because "I still wasn't completely happy". We don't talk anymore, unless he is drunk and needs someone to hang off of. Whatever floats his boat, I don't miss him in the slightest.

That is how I get to where I am today. I feel like I could have made so many different decisions in the past that could have helped me greatly. At this very moment I am honestly just sitting here smiling. I am currently in computer science class (which I hate), but there is a substitute teacher. I have my cell phone in my pocket, and the most amazing person on the other end. I know, everything I just typed sounds completely retarded, but at this moment I am happy, and I want you to know that. Minus the fact that this week has been completely shitty, I can see the sun coming though the clouds outside, as it was raining this morning, and it turns out that today might be a good day.

Aside from all that, I can't seem to get a few things out of my head. The last week, for example, has been hell. It all started when I didn't come home at twelve because I was with a drunk friend, who was crying, who wouldn't let me leave. It's not like my mother didn't know where I was, I was texting her the whole time and ever called her. She still got pissed. Whatever. Finally an hour later, she got so fed up she came and got me, grounded me, took my car, phone, and laptop. Then, to solve her problems, she got drunk and I left for a few days. The whole thing really doesn't make any sense, but I'm still not finished. I was staying with my grandparents, they (them and my mother) had already had a few fights about my well being. So, my mother drove to get my, fought with them some more, damned me to hell, called me a disgrace, slammed a few doors in her parents face. Things got slightly better after I spent a few days in my room, until they got worse again.

I am a smoker, occasionally get high and a drinker, my parents don't know about the smoking. The other day I had left the island that I live on, just for a few hours to cross on the boat to meet my boyfriend on the other side because I hadn't seen him in over a month. Halfway across to meet him I get a text from my mother. She had found out that I had been smoking somehow, told me that she was going to make my life hell, so on and so forth. So told me not to bring my boyfriend back and to send him back home, after he had already drove two hours to meet me. After a little more fighting with my grandparents, and parents I decided to the hell with them all, I would be seeing my boyfriend (who none of them had met yet). The weekend went pretty well, and my mom didn't have have me arrested like she had threatened in a phone call a few days before. It was actually one of the best weekends I have had since I last saw my boyfriend in March, even if I was drunk for half of it. Happy Easter to me.

My boyfriend is perfect, and there is no other way to put it. He is the most amazing, and nicest person I have ever met. He has listened to me cry and has taken shit from my mom for the last six months. I can't thank him enough for everything he has gone through, and that fact that we are in a long distance relationship makes it really hard. We have only ever met in person twice, for days/weeks at a time. Without him here last weekend who knows how it would have went. When I go away to University we are going to live together in an apartment. He lives close to where the University is now anyways. I'm really excited for that. I can't wait to get out of here.

The whole point of me making this blog is so that I have somewhere to vent, and if anyone wants to read it that would be appreciated. I am basically going to write about what is happening in my life, post about things that I like (music, things I stumble upon, lists, anything really). I don't know, maybe so of you will find it interesting, I hope that someone does anyways. I am also going to try and read over my post and make sure that they make sense, this one probably doesn't because I haven't have much time to check it. Oh well, just as long as you guys get the just of what I am saying.

I hope everyone has a good day.

Song I'm listening to: